I'm a Coffee Snob
Coffee houses have sprung up all over the developed world in the last decade. The art of brewing a perfect cup has been perfected over decades of practice and specialist training! People who can do it even have a title – Coffee Barristas! Phil Clayton is a coffee connoisseur – or at least he thinks so.
You know when your a coffee snob when:
You request your coffee at a certain temperature.
You will pay £13 for a bag of coffee.
You will seriously consider drinking coffee passed through feline digestive tracts. (Google it – it true!)
You use words such as earthy and nutty to describe your espresso.
Decaffeinated is a swear word amounting to blasphemy.
Hello…My name is Phill…and I’m a coffee snob! Self declared, self certified and self assured coffee snob! I’m proud that I fit all of the above criteria for coffee snobbery. Please allow me to share a few valuable insights with you…
The Golden rules of Coffee snobbery!
1. Why pay less when you could pay more
Coffee is the second largest commodity on the planet next to oil! If people stopped drinking coffee several small countries economies would come to a stand still over night. And, I guess, if we keep paying in excess of £2 per cup then the world has nothing to worry about!
I grew up in Devon where coffee is bitter, instant, cold and served after even colder church services! I made a rebellious stand at the age of 13 when I had my first starbucks in London. I said to the lady behind the counter “I’ll have the most expensive coffee on the menu!” When I gave £5 and got coppers back I added a serious amount of value to that coffee! My journey had begun.
Nowadays I think nothing more of paying £2.50 for a cup of coffee, anything less just isn’t worth my attention or my hard earned cash. It’s a fact good coffee is worth paying more for.
2. Don’t Settle for Anything Less Caffeinated
Lets not beat about the coffee bush as the saying goes, Caffeine is a drug. The coffee snob is aware of this fact and will choose his method of coffee preparation to suite the appropriate circumstance and situation.
When the ignorant person, (usually a tea drinker) states that he/she needs an espresso because they are working late, I am filled with anger and frustration at such ignorance. While espresso is the most intense in flavour it contains the least amount of caffeine. As for decaffeinated, God put the caffeine in the bean for a reason! I agree with my local coffee house policy, on the back of the menu it states… ‘We pride ourselves on serving the finest Italian coffee outside of Italy, so please be advised we serve only fully caffeinated, full fat, full flavoured coffees’.
3. Instant is Forbidden
It takes between 24 – 28 beans to make one single shot of espresso, the current method of making espresso was invented by the Gaggia family of Italy, incidentally no coffee is grown in Italy only blended and roasted there. Coffee starts off as a red bean grown low to the ground; It is roasted, ground, and blended to change the flavour. After which it is smoothed and pressed into the espresso pad and slotted into the machine where high pressure steam is passed through the coffee for no more than 32 seconds to form a perfect shot of espresso.
This is evolution under the watchful eye of a grand designer this is joy in a cup! So don’t you dare open a glass jar, peel back a vacuum seal, spoon out an indefinable amount of dusty dry, brown, granules, pour hot water over it and tell me that you have made a cup of coffee! You have been deceived (you are probably a tea drinker) and you deserve better, you need saving, you need help. Instant is evil, Espresso is your savour.
My final piece of advice would be to drink and drive safely. Don’t get to the point where your lack on consumption results in headaches. Coffee should be enjoyed for flavour, texture and essence but not its ability to perk you up. If you have 10 a day – you’ve probably pushed your limit!
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